Quiet Friday night

Last night was a rare Friday night off for me.  I am a musician (I play jazz) and a busy one at that, working between 5-8 gigs a week, but yesterday I drew a goose egg on Friday night and that was fine with me.

Over my two or three months on Tinder I’ve built up a number of matches and I thought about texting one for a last minute drink but for some reason my heart wasn’t in it.  For starters I was wondering if it would be insulting to be asked for a drink at the last minute.  I could have shown some foresight and texted with a few days warning but what can I say, I’m not that organized. Throw in the fact that I haven’t felt much of a connection to any of these matches and I felt that it was best to take a night off to relax.

So I stayed in, worked on some music transcriptions, read a little Proust,  (that’s exhausting in itself)  watched a little Netflix, and masturbated.  In short, a solo Netflix & chill.

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Fantasy and reality

Some years ago, when I was still married, my wife and I were friends with a single mom (who would later become our accountant) whose daughter was friends with our daughter.  Every once in a while we’d have them spend a weekend with us at our country home in upstate New York.  Ellie was a sultry, extroverted, free-spirited Italian American woman. She was an olive skinned, raven-haired – petite but not skinny.  She had full breasts and a curvy ass.  Her entire being exuded sex.  She would often wear low cut jeans exposing a bit of her ass to me.  She was flirtatious and playful.

One Sunday evening found both of with our two daughters spending the night in that house. (My wife had to leave early to go to work Monday morning)  Of course I had fantasies about the kids going to sleep leaving Ellie and I alone by a roaring fire.  Perhaps she would have complained of a bad back, asking me to massage her.  Or maybe we would have simply looked into each other’s eyes and began kissing.

Nothing happened. We played a board game with our kids and retired to our separate rooms.

Looking back on that time I can fantasize about how great it would have been to have sex with her, but now I can do it without the baggage of how messy things would have been afterwards.  What if I had acted on my fantasy only to have been rebuffed?  Awkward!  Sometimes people flirt and they don’t realize they’re flirting.  Or they’re not flirting at all and people like me misconstrue.

Now I still have my fantasies as well as a good accountant.

Going postal

post_office_line

On Saturday afternoon I went to the post office to mail a package to my daughter.  There was the usual long weekend line and only one postal worker behind the counter.  It was a tense crowd.  For example:  A woman came in and announced that she was after me in line and then disappeared.  (I think she went to address her package but this remains shrouded in mystery) Fifteen minutes later she emerged and took her place behind me in line, much to the consternation of the woman who had been behind me.  A terse discussion ensued prompting the disappearing woman to say, “You can go ahead of me if you must.”  Talk about passive aggression!

Soon thereafter several people could no longer contain their impatience and began shouting out, “Why is there only one worker?!”  One gentleman went the anti-govt route: “What do you expect from the government?!” Still another: “Your tax dollars at work!” Then there were the peaceniks “Come on, they’re doing the best they can! What do you expect on a Saturday?!”

I just sat back, smiled, and took it all in. At last, I thought, a broo-hah-hah without me in the center. In the wake of all the excitement the disappearing woman began chatting me up.  Nothing breaks the ice like a good post office dust-up.  She was an attractive, strawberry blonde, slender 40-something-ish woman with supple, pouting breasts. (I’m extrapolating the part about the breasts) The conversation flowed easily –  mostly it was me listening to her talk about her sister in Chicago who worked as a musician. (as I do) As we neared the front of the line I decided, impulsively, to ask her to lunch. That’s how relationships started in the old days!  None of this swiping, posturing, and judging.  She declined saying that she had an errand to run.

I wasn’t upset, though.  On the contrary it felt great to have the interaction and to act spontaneously.  She wasn’t really my type, either.  I found her a little self absorbed and plus she’s a line-cutter!

To sum up, I recommend a trip to the post office.  It’s one of the more entertaining errands you will ever run.

The state of the Woody

It feels strange being single after a long relationship.  I’m luckier than most, I suppose because I’m working pretty much seven nights a week and teaching most days.  (I’m a musician) There isn’t a lot of alone time at my apartment to sit and mope – I have to work in my moping time between gigs.

Starting this new blog feels right since it is another kind of beginning. Posts aren’t flowing as easily as with The Middle Aging (the old blog) but I’m OK with that.  I don’t want to force things.  The posts will happen when they happen.  The old blog lasted a good 5-6 years.  One of the things I miss about it is when someone would view a post from several years back.  Often times I would go back and reread it and it would be a good insight into the past.  Hopefully one day I’ll be looking back this blog’s past posts as well.

I broke up with Mina twice, or rather she broke up with me twice.  I don’t break up easily – my  wife had to kick me out the door.  Even though deep down I knew our marriage was dead I was stuck in a kind of relationship inertia and I couldn’t or wouldn’t make the first move.  Our breaking up felt right and now my ex-wife and I are good friends and we see each other all the time.  (we have three children, two of whom are grown)

I don’t think Mina and I will ever be just friends — there is too much sexual energy between us, as well as emotionally deep feelings.  I try to envision a scenario in which we someday get back together, but I don’t think she will be able to forgive my sleeping with Careen.  At least for a long time.  She’s beautiful and smart and there is no reason she can’t meet a more stable guy than me.  That is if she wants to.

I have not seen Careen since the encounter that broke Mina and I up.  It’s true I’ve been super-busy but I just can’t bring myself to pursue her as a girlfriend or even a fuck-buddy. She’s very pretty and sexy so that’s not the issue.  It’s just that we don’t have the chemistry and I’m the feeling the need to simplify even if it means being lonely for a little while.

The thing is, it’s not clear that Careen is all that interested in me.  After all, she hasn’t texted either.  It’s possible she thinks of me as a diversion and is quite happy to let things be or see me on occasion.  Or…she really is into me and now she’s mad at me for not texting.  I hope it’s situation A!

[shakes fist and looks skyward] TINDERRRRRRRR!!!!

As if Tinder hasn’t vexed me enough now this happened…

Yesterday, as I swiped right on a 40-something woman in San Francisco, I matched.  After the proper interval (for me, 5 minutes) I said hello with my finely-honed Tinder opening line:

Hello!  How are you today?

A few hours later I received this response:

Hi Woody, It appears we’re a match made in Tinder (her opening line game is strong) – looking forward to hearing back from you.

After a few more innocuous texts she gave me her email address asking me to write her.  I was a little suspicious – in this day and age nobody prefers email over text.  Why not just speak on the phone?

Nevertheless I persevered and sent a brief email.  A few hours later I received this response:

Thanks for telling me about yourself but first of all I want to Apologize for the mistake in my profile. When filling in my profile the system kept changing my location to your country from South Africa. 
I am truly sorry if confuses you but I believe that distance is not a barrier in any relationship and the most important thing is understanding between two people involved.You can visit me here or I will visit you over there but if I will come there, it is going to be during this my annual leave because that is the only time that I will have the chance to travel.
My name is Hannah I am living Cape Town .I am the only child of my family.I am a nurse and I have one daughter that is staying alone recently, her name is MaryAnn and she is 21 years old. She is working with MTN South Africa as a Sales Rep.
PRO’s:
– I am romantic. Maybe a bit too much.
– I hate violence, especially towards a weaker person
– I respect my fellow beings and their opinions
– I hate dishonesty
– I almost always smile ( even in the morning ). It takes a lot to get me in
a bad mood
– I am considered to be quite funny and entertaining.
CON
– I never forget the wrong people do to me and my friends
– I am very emotional, so when startled, outbreaks of anger of short duration may happen and shouldn’t be taken overly serious.
– Because I am spontaneous I sometimes do not think of the consequences of my actions
That is what I can think of in a short time.
I hope that gives a better impression about the person who I am.
I want to know more about you.
Bye for now until I hear from you.

What is this, a mail-order bride?!  I’ve just ended a long-distance relationship of 50 miles and I’m going to start one of 4,050 miles?  What in the actual fuck is going on here?  Scam or crazy person?  Or both.

OK, Tinder, you win this round.  But I’ll be back!

Not my finest hour

The following is a reposting of my final post at The Middle Aging.  The end of my relationship with Mina meant the end of my blog.  It was her wish that I delete the post was written 4 years ago recounting our initial meeting.  Rather than delete it I made the Middle Aging private, essentially shutting it down,  I’m starting a blog just as I’m starting a new chapter of my life,

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This is a tough post to write.  I am going to be honest.  Today I hurt someone I love very much.  Two months ago my girlfriend, Mina and I broke up after having been together for more than three years.  We were in love but life’s circumstances had got in the way.  We had a semi-long distance relationship living 50 miles apart.  She has a child from her first marriage and I have three from mine.  My schedule has me gigging and teaching non-stop which makes it difficult to find time for her.  She lives with her parents who speak little or no English making it an awkward situation for this middle-aged man.

We split up and in the meantime I met Careen and started a fling.  I am not in love with Careen though I like her very much.  We do not have the same rapport and connection that Mina and I did and the sex isn’t nearly as electric.

Three weeks ago I saw Mina a couple of times again and we ended up sleeping together during our final encounter.  I thought that we might get back together but deep down I realized that the underlying issues that broke us apart still existed and it seemed daunting.  Still, something about her felt right.

Yesterday, I saw Careen again for the first time in two weeks and we ended up sleeping together.  I had been planning to have a talk with her about my feelings for Mina and to try to clarify our relationship.  Because there was a third person with us when we were out I ended up not having this talk.  True, I could have had it at my apartment later on, but I was horny and weak-willed.

Because I did not text in almost a day Mina sensed something was up and she asked me point blank if I had seen Careen.  (I had admitted to her that I had been with a new person when we had reconciled) For some reason I couldn’t lie and I came clean.  Mina was furious saying there was no way we could even be friends.  She then deleted the couple app that we had been texting on for two years.  I was staring at it and the text disappeared before my eyes.  Like our relationship.

Why didn’t I lie?  At the very least I could have told her that it wasn’t going to work out between her and I.  That way I could have spared her the hurt and we could still be friends.  I don’t know what good came from admitting my dalliance.

I realized that this is a gray area whether I had actually gotten back with Mina, but something about this does not pass the smell test.  If only I could have resisted my urge.  Even in middle age I find it difficult to envision the future outcome of my actions.  Sex is a beautiful, yet precarious action.

And so I begin again

Once I was a young man.  I went on dates, I had girlfriends, I got dumped and did some dumping.  I lived in New York City.  I met a woman from Queens and fell in love.  When I was 31 I got married.  We had 3 children.  In 2010 we moved to the Bay Area.  In 2011 we separated.

Late in 2011 I met a woman and began a four year relationship.  That meeting, which began as a random one night stand — a hook up in today’s vernacular – flowered into a relationship and I fell in love.  As of two months ago we broke up and I am once again single.

The act of breaking up forced me to break up my old blog, the middle aging, and so I begin a new blog to coincide with this new chapter in my life.

What adventures await me in the middle-aged folks home?  Only time will tell.