Quiet Friday night

Last night was a rare Friday night off for me.  I am a musician (I play jazz) and a busy one at that, working between 5-8 gigs a week, but yesterday I drew a goose egg on Friday night and that was fine with me.

Over my two or three months on Tinder I’ve built up a number of matches and I thought about texting one for a last minute drink but for some reason my heart wasn’t in it.  For starters I was wondering if it would be insulting to be asked for a drink at the last minute.  I could have shown some foresight and texted with a few days warning but what can I say, I’m not that organized. Throw in the fact that I haven’t felt much of a connection to any of these matches and I felt that it was best to take a night off to relax.

So I stayed in, worked on some music transcriptions, read a little Proust,  (that’s exhausting in itself)  watched a little Netflix, and masturbated.  In short, a solo Netflix & chill.

The strangest breakup ever

So it’s been three months.  Things have been crazy busy on this end with wall to wall gigs and students so there’s not much time to update.  In this interim I have been ping ponging back and forth between Careen and my longtime girlfriend, Mina.  I think that Mina and I may be back together now but it’s complicated and I’ll need to flesh out the details in a future post.

In the meantime Careen and I got back together about a month ago.  The thaw started on Facebook and spilled over into an actual date in late January.  We had a great night and I ended up going back to her apartment and staying the night.

Careen and I just didn’t work as a couple.  She’s an incredibly nice, warm, socially conscious, caring person.  And she’s beautiful.  She has the kind of looks that I’m usually attracted to.  She’s a petite Filipina with a lovely, easy smile, small breasts with pert nipples that respond instantly to the touch, and a great ass.

We got along well personally and our banter was always easy and fun.  She loved sex, and as recounted in an earlier post, was almost always the one to initiate.  The trouble was that sexually we weren’t compatible.  Don’t get me wrong, I was very attracted to her but for some reason the actual act never felt as good as with Mina, my previous girlfriend.

Careen was into pain.  She wanted rough sex and she wanted me to spank her and slap her face.  I’ve never been into pain, either giving or receiving,  but I can get into a little spanking once in a while.  The face-slapping, however, was too weird for me and frankly felt a little like a line could too easily be crossed.  She said we needed a safe word but that never seemed like a viable option to me.  Plus, how do you find a safe word that doesn’t make you laugh?

Careen was always calling me ‘Daddy; and ‘Papa’ during sex and this too made me a little queezy, as if she was living out an incest fantasy.  I’m not a prude and I’m all for fantasies but the incest fantasy had the effect of removing arousal rather than causing it.  And its a sick act — I can’t go there in any way.

So the break up:  On what would be our last morning together she woke me up at 6AM to have sex. I was half asleep and tired from the previous night’s marathon sex romp (I am middle-aged man, after all) but there I was, happily thrusting away in the missionary position when she said, “Say my name…”

What is she, Heisenberg?  I’m trying to wake up and perform to my usual standard of excellence and now I have to vocalize as well?!  OK, it’s not that hard to do.  Why not?

“Careen.”

A few seconds later she pushed me off of her asking, “What did you say?”

“What do you mean, ‘what did I say?’ Careen.”

“No you didn’t, you said another name!  Is that your old girlfriend’s name?!”

Folks, I did not say another name.  I was tired and I wasn’t speaking in my full voice so it came out in a whisper.  No matter how much I protested she refused to believe me, saying that she suspected I had feelings for my old girlfriend.

Here’s where things start to get Freudian.  I’m 99% sure I said Careen’s name, but she happens to be right.  I do have feelings for Mina and I think I will always have feelings for her. So whereas I thought Careen wrongly accused me, her larger point was something I couldn’t refute.

We met three nights later at a local bar and amicably agreed that it was best to go our separate ways.  As far as I could tell there is little animosity between us.  Still..what a nutty way to break up!

[shakes fist and looks skyward] TINDERRRRRRRR!!!!

As if Tinder hasn’t vexed me enough now this happened…

Yesterday, as I swiped right on a 40-something woman in San Francisco, I matched.  After the proper interval (for me, 5 minutes) I said hello with my finely-honed Tinder opening line:

Hello!  How are you today?

A few hours later I received this response:

Hi Woody, It appears we’re a match made in Tinder (her opening line game is strong) – looking forward to hearing back from you.

After a few more innocuous texts she gave me her email address asking me to write her.  I was a little suspicious – in this day and age nobody prefers email over text.  Why not just speak on the phone?

Nevertheless I persevered and sent a brief email.  A few hours later I received this response:

Thanks for telling me about yourself but first of all I want to Apologize for the mistake in my profile. When filling in my profile the system kept changing my location to your country from South Africa. 
I am truly sorry if confuses you but I believe that distance is not a barrier in any relationship and the most important thing is understanding between two people involved.You can visit me here or I will visit you over there but if I will come there, it is going to be during this my annual leave because that is the only time that I will have the chance to travel.
My name is Hannah I am living Cape Town .I am the only child of my family.I am a nurse and I have one daughter that is staying alone recently, her name is MaryAnn and she is 21 years old. She is working with MTN South Africa as a Sales Rep.
PRO’s:
– I am romantic. Maybe a bit too much.
– I hate violence, especially towards a weaker person
– I respect my fellow beings and their opinions
– I hate dishonesty
– I almost always smile ( even in the morning ). It takes a lot to get me in
a bad mood
– I am considered to be quite funny and entertaining.
CON
– I never forget the wrong people do to me and my friends
– I am very emotional, so when startled, outbreaks of anger of short duration may happen and shouldn’t be taken overly serious.
– Because I am spontaneous I sometimes do not think of the consequences of my actions
That is what I can think of in a short time.
I hope that gives a better impression about the person who I am.
I want to know more about you.
Bye for now until I hear from you.

What is this, a mail-order bride?!  I’ve just ended a long-distance relationship of 50 miles and I’m going to start one of 4,050 miles?  What in the actual fuck is going on here?  Scam or crazy person?  Or both.

OK, Tinder, you win this round.  But I’ll be back!