Not my finest hour

The following is a reposting of my final post at The Middle Aging.  The end of my relationship with Mina meant the end of my blog.  It was her wish that I delete the post was written 4 years ago recounting our initial meeting.  Rather than delete it I made the Middle Aging private, essentially shutting it down,  I’m starting a blog just as I’m starting a new chapter of my life,

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This is a tough post to write.  I am going to be honest.  Today I hurt someone I love very much.  Two months ago my girlfriend, Mina and I broke up after having been together for more than three years.  We were in love but life’s circumstances had got in the way.  We had a semi-long distance relationship living 50 miles apart.  She has a child from her first marriage and I have three from mine.  My schedule has me gigging and teaching non-stop which makes it difficult to find time for her.  She lives with her parents who speak little or no English making it an awkward situation for this middle-aged man.

We split up and in the meantime I met Careen and started a fling.  I am not in love with Careen though I like her very much.  We do not have the same rapport and connection that Mina and I did and the sex isn’t nearly as electric.

Three weeks ago I saw Mina a couple of times again and we ended up sleeping together during our final encounter.  I thought that we might get back together but deep down I realized that the underlying issues that broke us apart still existed and it seemed daunting.  Still, something about her felt right.

Yesterday, I saw Careen again for the first time in two weeks and we ended up sleeping together.  I had been planning to have a talk with her about my feelings for Mina and to try to clarify our relationship.  Because there was a third person with us when we were out I ended up not having this talk.  True, I could have had it at my apartment later on, but I was horny and weak-willed.

Because I did not text in almost a day Mina sensed something was up and she asked me point blank if I had seen Careen.  (I had admitted to her that I had been with a new person when we had reconciled) For some reason I couldn’t lie and I came clean.  Mina was furious saying there was no way we could even be friends.  She then deleted the couple app that we had been texting on for two years.  I was staring at it and the text disappeared before my eyes.  Like our relationship.

Why didn’t I lie?  At the very least I could have told her that it wasn’t going to work out between her and I.  That way I could have spared her the hurt and we could still be friends.  I don’t know what good came from admitting my dalliance.

I realized that this is a gray area whether I had actually gotten back with Mina, but something about this does not pass the smell test.  If only I could have resisted my urge.  Even in middle age I find it difficult to envision the future outcome of my actions.  Sex is a beautiful, yet precarious action.