The following is a reposting of my final post at The Middle Aging. The end of my relationship with Mina meant the end of my blog. It was her wish that I delete the post was written 4 years ago recounting our initial meeting. Rather than delete it I made the Middle Aging private, essentially shutting it down, I’m starting a blog just as I’m starting a new chapter of my life,
This is a tough post to write. I am going to be honest. Today I hurt someone I love very much. Two months ago my girlfriend, Mina and I broke up after having been together for more than three years. We were in love but life’s circumstances had got in the way. We had a semi-long distance relationship living 50 miles apart. She has a child from her first marriage and I have three from mine. My schedule has me gigging and teaching non-stop which makes it difficult to find time for her. She lives with her parents who speak little or no English making it an awkward situation for this middle-aged man.
We split up and in the meantime I met Careen and started a fling. I am not in love with Careen though I like her very much. We do not have the same rapport and connection that Mina and I did and the sex isn’t nearly as electric.
Three weeks ago I saw Mina a couple of times again and we ended up sleeping together during our final encounter. I thought that we might get back together but deep down I realized that the underlying issues that broke us apart still existed and it seemed daunting. Still, something about her felt right.
Yesterday, I saw Careen again for the first time in two weeks and we ended up sleeping together. I had been planning to have a talk with her about my feelings for Mina and to try to clarify our relationship. Because there was a third person with us when we were out I ended up not having this talk. True, I could have had it at my apartment later on, but I was horny and weak-willed.
Because I did not text in almost a day Mina sensed something was up and she asked me point blank if I had seen Careen. (I had admitted to her that I had been with a new person when we had reconciled) For some reason I couldn’t lie and I came clean. Mina was furious saying there was no way we could even be friends. She then deleted the couple app that we had been texting on for two years. I was staring at it and the text disappeared before my eyes. Like our relationship.
Why didn’t I lie? At the very least I could have told her that it wasn’t going to work out between her and I. That way I could have spared her the hurt and we could still be friends. I don’t know what good came from admitting my dalliance.
I realized that this is a gray area whether I had actually gotten back with Mina, but something about this does not pass the smell test. If only I could have resisted my urge. Even in middle age I find it difficult to envision the future outcome of my actions. Sex is a beautiful, yet precarious action.